The Tao of Zen Nihilism
Quickest. You just have to be the hero all the time
don’t you? I mean, the worlds going to end, but
rather then accepting it, you have to go stop
it… You find yourself being misunderstood,
but are full of good intentions. You’re the
best kind of friend, and the worst kind of
enemy… why are you wasting your time taking
this quiz? go save the world or something.
How would you survive the end of the world?
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For those of you who think I’m joking… I’m not.
I AM running for President. However, I need some information.
I need to know exactly what I have to do to get this done.
Also, for those interested, I’ll be running on the Discordian Ticket. As far as I know, I’ll be the first Discordian Candidate for President. As far as I know… 🙂
Why the fuck not? I mean, am I such a bad choice? A worse choice than the morons running the nation (and trying to win the nomination to run against the current morons)?
So, here are my stances on everything, in a nutshell.
1) The War on Drugs
Make ’em legal. Do you think making cocaine legal is going to encourage kids to do it? Cigarettes are legal and sales are plummeting because people are getting smarter. Alcohol is legal and the same is true. Less people are smoking, drinking and doing drugs every day. Is that because of the war on drugs or because this generation is just not into it? Make drugs legal, have official places to do them (hash houses) and use the laws already in place to enforce drug abuse. It’s already illegal to drive under the influence. It’s already illegal to be drunk and disorderly in public. It’s already illegal to be a stoned asshole. Make the drugs legal, make them legal within the privacy of your own home and let people be as stupid as they want to be. It’s their Constitutional right.
2) Abortion
If you believe abortion is wrong for religious reasons; I’m sorry — you lose. I’m not going to support a religious law banning abortions anymore than I’m gonna support a religious law outlawing beef or pork. If you believe abortion is wrong for moral reasons — stop eating any meat, stop wearing leather, stop eating broccoli. Yeah, broccoli. Didn’t you know broccoli feels pain? Sure does. Therefore, murdering and eating broccoli is immoral. If you are morally opposed to abortion, good for you. Don’t have one. Otherwise, leave the rest of us alone.
3) Foreign Policy
Hey — isn’t this what the President is supposed to do? Isn’t this in line with his Constitutional duties? And isn’t our current guy fucking up so bad that the United Nations kicked us out of nearly every comittee in the whole building? How about starting fresh with not making actions based on 2,000 year old religious beliefs and start making plans based on reality? How’s that for a start? Okay, so the Middle East is a big playground of bullies, each of them kicking the shit out of each other. Let ’em. I don’t care. You know how you solve the Middle East problem? Two words baby: Solar Power. Make the oil unimportant and guess what? All those Middle East oil barons have no more money. Stop trading with them, stop talking to them, stop everything. And kick anybody’s ass who gets near Israel. Who even THINKS of touching Israel. And make sure Israel knows not to fuck around; they ain’t exactly the God King of Saintly Saints, either. The rest of the world knows once Bush is gone, it’s like hitting the reset button. They know this. A new President means a chance at a new start. So, let’s get rid of the wanker and have a new start, eh?
4) The Economy
Hey — I don’t DO anything about the economy! That’s Congress! When’s the last time you heard a Presidential candidate say that?
5) Gay Marriage
Know what I’m gonna do? Outlaw CHRISTIAN marriages. Why? Because they go against MY religious beliefs. I don’t believe Christianity is a real religion; just a backwards Jewish death cult spawned by a guy who happened to get hung on a tree. Therefore, no more Christianity. In fact, I’m gonna make it illegal. It isn’t a real religion anyway, therefore it isn’t protected by the First Amendment. (This joke was spawned by George W. Bush saying the exact same thing about “wiccan” religions; they aren’t real religions, so they shouldn’t be protected by the First Amendment).
6) Legalized Prostitution
A woman’s body is a woman’s body and I’ll be damned if some backwater hillbilly religious cult is gonna stop me from legalizing the oldest and most honorable profession in the world. Certainly more honorable than politicians — at least they’re HONEST about what they’re selling. And certainly more honorable than MY chosen profession.
7) Socialized Medicine
Why? Because it’s good for the economy. A company’s biggest expense is medical coverage for its employees. You take that away, it frees all kinds of profits. I’m not gonna make private practices illegal, nor am I gonna kill private hospitals. Quite the opposite. Keep it ALL legal. Just make sure that the Nation’s people get taken care of. It’s working in Canada, it can work here.
8) A Job For Anyone Who Wants One
I want to make a system that will give a job to anyone who wants one (inspired by the movie Dave). It may be a crummy job, but it’ll be a job. And you’ll get a paycheck and you’ll earn that check every damn week. I know what it’s like to be unemployed. It sucks. And there ain’t nothing as satisfying as getting that paycheck every Friday.
Except for white tank top sex. That’s the trump card.
9) College Tuition is Tax Deductable
This brilliant idea from The West Wing absolutely must find its way into our system. It’s such a good idea, it just has to.
10) The Death Penalty
Think the death penalty isn’t a deterrant? Okay. I’m gonna pass a law that says if you get convincted of a felony for a crime you comitted on a Monday, Teusday, or Wednesday, you get the death penalty. Any other day, it’s the usual punishment. Just how many crimes do you think will happen on the first three days of the work week? And, by the way, for the people the death penalty isn’t a deterrant for… the people who have so little regard for human life they just don’t care? Those are exactly the people I want out of our social pool. Dead dead dead. Those people are NOT people, they’re animals with drivers licenses, just waiting for an excuse to do something lethal to someone else. Those muddafuggas can ride ol’ sparky and I won’t complain, because they’d do unspeakable things to me and mine without even thinking twice.
That’s my pitch. You got any questions, I’d be glad to answer ’em. Have fun, be sure to vote, and I’ll see you in the White House!!!
Main Venue
Directions
| 405 SOUTH AVALON exit, turn RIGHT off the exit Turn LEFT on CARSON St. Take the FIRST LEFT Turn into the parking lot on the RIGHT Park and enter complex Go upstairs to room 209A ~ Look for our cool Hold the Cheeze sign |
| 405 NORTH CARSON NORTH exit, turn RIGHT off the exit Turn RIGHT onto CIVIC CENTER DRIVE Go to the LEFT around the building Park and enter complex Go upstairs to room 209A ~ Look for our cool Hold the Cheeze Sign |
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
I’ll be running L5R this Sunday afternoon.
We’ll have visitors.
Round-eyed visitors.
With “rifulu.”
And Sorte.
And Glamour.
And something called “canunon.”
Be there or be square for the Two-Day Event!
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
EDIT: This message used to have a (and Saturday!) tag on it.
No longer.
They tells me not to, but I still drinks it!
So, read the story, then go play evilzug‘s new game! 🙂
