Jessie is my supervisor here at my new Arizona job. The guy who used to sit at my station (and is now working in a different part of the building) recently sent this. The 101 Things Jessie Gets mad at.
1) May not watch ‘South Park’ when I’m supposed to be working
3) May not threaten anyone with black magic
4) May not challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair
6) May not play ‘Pulp Fiction’ with a suction-cup dart pistol and any supervisor
7) May not add ‘In accordance with the prophecy’ to the end of answers I give to a question an supervisor asks me
8) May not add pictures of supervisors I don’t like to War Criminal posters
10) Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on company time
11) Not allowed to join the communist party
12) Not allowed to join any militia
13) Not allowed to form any militia
14) Not allowed out of my cube when the brass visits
16) Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my ‘Sampson like powers’
17) God may not contradict any of my orders
18) May no longer perform my now (in)famous ‘Barbie Girl Dance’ while on logged in
19) May not call any supervisors immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime, even if I’m right
20) Must not taunt the French any more
21) Must attempt to not antagonize MOD’s
22) Must never call an MOD a ‘Wanker’
23) Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
24) Must not tell any supervisor that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true
31) Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions
32) Not allowed to let sock puppets take control of a call
33) Not allowed to chew gum on a call, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34) (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35) Not allowed to sing ‘I’m just a gigilo’ while on hold with a doctor
36) Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over)
39) Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40) I do not have super-powers.
42) Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment.
44) I am not the atheist chaplain
46) I am not authorized to fire supervisors
47) I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states
48) I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision
49) Not allowed to trade company equipment for ‘magic beans’
50) Not allowed to sell magic beans during hours
51) Not allowed to quote ‘Dr Seuss’ on a call
58) The following words and phrases may not be used on a call:
· Budding sexuality
· Necrophilia
· I hate everyone in this helpdesk and wish they were dead
· Sexual lubrication
· Black earth mother
· All marines are latent homosexuals
· Tantric yoga
· Gotterdammerung
· Korean hooker
· Eskimo Nell
· We’ve all got jackboots now
· Slut puppy
· Any references to squid.
59) May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60) `The Giant Space Ants’ are not at the top of my chain of command.
62) “It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Helpdesk tech DBabbitt.
63) Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
65) There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
67) I am not the Psychological Physician for the company
68) I may not line my headset with tin foil to `Block out the space mind control lasers’
69) May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on a call.
70) I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71) I must not flaunt my deviances in front of a supervisor.
72) May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
75) May not conduct psychological experiments on my supervisors.
77) The Security desk is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
78) I may not call block my supervisor.
79) I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
81) May not bring a drag queen to any company parties.
82) May not form any press gangs.
86) May not challenge supervisor to the `field of honor’
87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
91) I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
94) Crucifixes do not ward off supervisors, and I should not test that.
95) I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
97) Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.