If I were a stone, I would be: ruby
If I were a tree, I would be: rowan
If I were a bird, I would be: a crow
If I were a machine, I would be: a ’57 Chevy
If I were a tool, I would be: a pen
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a blue rose*
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: The moments before the a thunderstorm, when the air is thick with the smell.
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a selkie
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a trap set
If I were an animal, I would be: a scorpion
If I were a color, I would be: red
If I were an emotion, I would be: (currently) pining.
If I were a vegetable, I would be: artichoke**
If I were a sound, I would be: the sound of breath, caught in the throat, just before a kiss
If I were an element, I would be: orichalcum
If I were a car, I would be: see above
If I were a song, I would be: Swordfishtrombone***
If I were to trade places with another person, it would be: my evil twin
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: David Fincher
If I were a book, I would be written by: Me
If I were a food, I would be: spaghetti
If I were a place, I would be: Somewhere far from here
If I were a material, I would be: 50% cotton, 50% silk
If I were a taste, I would be: Vanilla Coke
If I were a scent, I would be: roses
If I were a religion, I would be: Wicka (Wickans!)
If I were a word, I would be: Why?
If I were an object, I would be: I’m not?
If I were a body part I would be: eyes, under slightly dropped lids
If I were a facial expression I would be: a smile
If I were a subject in school I would be: philosophy 301: Ethics
If I were a cartoon character I would be: censored
If I were a shape I would be a: triangle
If I were a number I would be: 6
If I were a month I would be: May
If I were a day of the week I would be: Odin’s Day
If I were a time of day I would be: twilight
If I were a planet I would be: Pluto (quick and irregular)
If I were a sea animal I would be: lobster (dumb and yummy)
If I were a direction I would be: Second star to the right, and straight on ’till morning
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: big, big canopy bed
If I were a sin I would be: wrath (the only sin I consider deadly)
If I were a historical figure I would be: I am a historical figure. History hasn’t caught up with me yet.
If I were a liquid I would be: mead****
* from FWWM: “I can’t tell you about that”
** difficult to prepare, but worth the wait
*** http://audio.msk.ru/waits/ra/swordfishtrombones/10.ram
**** in the Old Norse tongue, the word for “mead” and “story” are one in the same, because a good story and a good cup of mead make you feel the same