* * *
We were at a convention, John Zinser and I. Walking up to our hotel room, John says to me, “That girl. She’s cute. You two were really talking there for a while.”
“Yeah,” I told him, just a little nervous about where this conversation is going.
“You want me to get another room?” he asked me. And this is where Zinser and Matt Wilson were so different. Maybe someday, I’ll tell you all about that.
“No,” I told him. “I don’t think that’s necessary.” Of course, I didn’t tell him why.
“You sure?” he asked. “You two were sharing some long looks there.”
I couldn’t tell him why I said “No.” And it was completely against character. It wouldn’t be the first time we had this conversation, but it was the last. Because at that moment, I was with Jennifer — who was working in the office at the time, and Zinser had a strict policy about co-workers dating.
“I’m sure,” I told him. Besides, I wasn’t even sure if the girl would go for it. I mean, she was — wow. Just wow. Those big, brown eyes. That smile. And that voice, like smokey brandy.
“All right,” he said. Then, he asked. “What was her name again?”
“Ree,” I told him. Then, I added, “She said she wanted to do some writing for us.”
“Yeah,” he said, opening the hotel room door. “Her and everybody else.”
* * *
You were my first choice. My only choice. When it came time to choose someone to pick up Rokugan, I didn’t want anybody else. Zinser wanted to hire a professional, but I’d seen what the game industry called “professionals” and I was unimpressed.
I insisted. “It’s got to be Ree,” I told him.
He nodded. “It’s a good choice. Everybody thinks she’s a pseudonym. Your pseudonym.”
“That’s because most of the game industry is illiterate and only recognizes degrees of quality. Most stuff is shit. They get confused when they see something good.”
He nodded. “All right,” he said. “Let’s go with Ree.”
* * *
I felt like the captain from The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, handing off the albatross. And you took it with a smile, unknowing of the weight that bird carried. I knew you were strong. Along with those eyes, and that smile, and that voice, I knew you were strong. That’s why I gave it to you. You’d fight for it. You’d fight tooth and nail.
I also felt like Willy Wanka, handing over the Factory to Charlie. I needed someone who loved it as much as I did. I couldn’t give it to a grown-up. A grown-up would ruin it. A place of wonder and marvels… and incredible responsibility. But, I knew your love would give you strength. I knew your wide-eyed wonder would keep you on the right path.
The story you told wasn’t the story I’d tell, but I didn’t want someone to come along and re-tell the Clan War. I wanted someone to tell their story.
But, pressures came to bear from two directions. There was Ryan — his hubris-soaked head filled with visions of self-delusion — and there were the fans — the unsilent minority who bitched and moaned about everything you did.
You fought. Tooth and nail. You were strong, no matter what came your way. I still remember walking by your office, hearing you shout into the phone…
“KACHIKO! DOES! NOT! STUTTER!
And at that moment, I knew I’d made the right choice. The only choice.
Living in Rokugan was rough. You survived, and you were stronger for it. I know what you went through. I was across the sea in Theah, fighting the same fight. The only difference was, you were fighting with Ryan, and I was fighting with Zinser.
I don’t know what happened with 7th Sea, but it killed whatever magic Jenny and I had. The divorce was a long time coming, and the seeds for it were planted there. You’ll always look back at L5R with pain. I’ll always look back at 7th Sea with the same pain. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back there… but, then again, I thought the same way about Rokugan. Until recently.
I won’t invite you again. You’ve said your peace and I respect that. I only hope that someday, you’ll be able to heal that wound, as I have. They say time heals all wounds. They’re wrong. It isn’t time alone. It’s distance, too. And friends to help carry you when you slip.
Jenny and I are still close. We still care about each other, but we’re not in love anymore. That last part hurts us both, but we’re still seeing each other on a regular basis. I’m going to have lunch with her this week. We’re talking about rebound relationships we’ve had. We laugh when we talk. It’s been so long since we laughed together. Time. And distance.
* * *
I’m glad I never had the chance to ask you up to that room. Instead of a brief bustle, we’ve built something… well, it’s certainly something, isn’t it? Our relationship is like a strange circle that keeps winding around.
I plan on making the best of our “brief eclipse.” And I hope, this time, it might last a little longer.
All my life’s a circle;
Sunrise and sundown;
Moon rolls thru the nighttime;
Till the daybreak comes around.
All my life’s a circle;
But I can’t tell you why;
Season’s spinning round again;
The years keep rollin’ by.
It seems like I’ve been here before;
I can’t remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we’ll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There’s no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.
I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It’s like a children’s game;
As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love is like a circle;
Let’s go ’round one more time.