For my canting crew…

They stood amongst the fallen bodies of the Ikalu priests, their black souls sent back to the God of Murder. The bloody robes fallen on piles of gold — centuries of treasure gathered by the wizard. The same wizard who hired the little band to guard it against just such an intrusion.

But one escaped. The high priest. The thieves fell exausted onto the gold — their own bodies drained from the race to the treasure room — to guard a treasure more valuable than all the gold that surrounded them.

“Rest, my brother,” the little one said, her hands glowing softly with a healing touch. “She Who Watches will ease your pain.” Her fingers touched the oozing wound, and it closed, leaving not even a scar to remind the half-elf he was ever hurt.

“Thank you,” the half-elf said, smiling as best he could. His body ached from the flames and blades and other traps guarding this room. He looked at the black robed bodies, bleeding onto the gold and held his ivory bow tight in his hands. The bow that whispered softly to him in the sharp elven tongue.

“She watches all of us, and protects us,” the little woman said. The ranger looked at her again, this little woman who protected them through so —

The paladin’s eyes opened wide, her back bending, her hands falling to her sides. The sound of steel tearing flesh. Two wounds — very close to the heart — blossoming in blood on her chest.

And that is when the high priest appears, his blade covered in the paladin’s blood. He holds the blade to the paladin’s neck. His voice whispering in her ears.

“Now, you spread your legs for Ikalu, little bitch,” he whispers. The knife begins to move. But not before an arrow is knocked in that ivory bow and the ranger’s own lips are whispering.

“Swift death to my enemies,” he says in that sharp elven tongue.

The bow whispers to him. “Death to those who wrong me.”

The assassin-priest’s hand tries to move… but the arrow finds his eye first.

* * *

You guys rule. I can’t wait for our next game.

Just heard this on Jimmy’s station…

That’s What Living is to Me
Jimmy Buffett

Jason Mason hears a sound
A whistle blows in Congo town
And the mail boat’s in, the mail boat’s in
It brings him things from oh so far
Old magazines and snickers bars
A simple man, a simple land
The world’s too big to understand

Be good and you will be lonesome
Be lonesome and you will be free
Live a lie and you’ll live to regret it
That’s what living is to me
That’s what living is to me

On a timeless beach on Hisanola
A young sips a diet cola
She’s worlds apart, worlds apart
The spirit of the black king still
Reverberates through Haitian hills
He rules the sea and all the fish
What if he had a TV dish?

In some far off regions the foriegn legions
Keep the theives and the preditors at bay
While closer to home some bad boys still roam
The streets aren’t safe but give it one more day
One more day . . .

The stories from my favorite books
Still take on many different looks
And now I’m gone, home again
The time has come the walrus said
And little oysters hide their head
My Twain of thought is loosely bound
I guess it’s time to Mark this down

With the Pirate movie and me getting all introspective, this little ditty sounded appropriate…

A PIRATE LOOKS AT FORTY
Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call
Wanted to sail upon your waters since I was three feet tall
You’ve seen it all, you’ve seen it all

Watched the men who rode you switch from sails to steam
And in your belly you hold the treasures few have ever seen
Most of ’em dreams, most of ’em dreams

Yes I am a pirate, two hundred years too late
The cannons don’t thunder, there’s nothin’ to plunder
I’m an over-forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late

I’ve done a bit of smugglin’, I’ve run my share of grass
I made enough money to buy Miami, but I pissed it away so fast
Never meant to last, never meant to last

And I have been drunk now for over two weeks
I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks
But I got stop wishin’, got to go fishin’
Down to rock bottom again
Just a few friends, just a few friends

I go for younger women, lived with several awhile
Though I ran ’em away, they all come back one day
Still can manage to smile
Just takes a while, just takes a while

Mother, mother ocean, after all the years I’ve found
My occupational hazard being my occupation’s just not around
I feel like I’ve drowned, gonna head uptown
I feel like I’ve drowned, gonna head uptown

New Neopedia Entry!!!

http://www.neopets.com/neopedia.phtml?neopedia_id=191

Writing is never as easy as falling off a log… but it wasn’t much of a stretch to write this one. 🙂

League Review

I didn’t like it.

I didn’t like the fact that the film’s only resemblence to the source material was that the same characters are in it.

I didn’t like the way it assumed the audience wouldn’t recognize the characters and spent precious minutes explaining them.

I didn’t like the way it killed nearly every Victoriana reference from the book.

I didn’t like the dialogue.

I didn’t like the acting.

I didn’t like how they changed the characters… made them all two-dimensional.

Mina is NOT a harlot, Quartermain is NOT indestructable, Hyde is NOT a misunderstood hero, the Invisible Man is NOT “funny,” Nemo is NOT a kung-fu artist, and Dorian Gray IS NOT IN THE FUCKING BOOK.

And, finally, I didn’t like how Hollywood always assumes it can make things better. “Oh, this is a fine piece of work, and we’ll buy it because we perceive it has value… but then we’ll change it all around and make it ‘better.'”

But Mina was hot. I liked that.

Pirates Review

Someone once said, “There can never be another good pirate movie because Errol Flynn is dead.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m glad to announce that Johnny Depp has dug up Mr. Flynn’s corpse and stolen his soul. He did it with Hunter Thompson, he did it with Errol Flynn… I shudder at who he may be targetting next.

I had no reason at all to like this film. I love pirates. I hate Disney. I love pirates. I hate Jerry Buck ‘n’ Weiser. But I loved loved loved this film. Loved it. Unconditionally. If I wasn’t so broke, I’d be back in the line to see it again, the soundtrack in hand — no, wait. Fuck that. I’ll buy a walkman so I can play the soundtrack in line to see it again, drinking soda from a Pirates cup, eating popcorn from a pirate bag. I’ll survive on nothing but movie soda and popcorn and hotdogs for the next month so all I have to do is walk out of the theater, get in line, and get ready to see it again.

Johnny Depp proved, once again, that he can be the single force holding a film togther. He isn’t, not in this case, because there’s Geoffrey Rush, just sitting there, doing the same bloody thing. Maybe they’re both holding the film up. Holding it together. That’s entirely possible. I don’t care. I’m so in love with this movie, I can’t even begin to think rationally about it.

It’s got pirates. Corsets. Swordfighting. Obscure nautical references. Undead pirates. Corsets. Broadsides. Pirates. Grapeshot. The best fucking use of grapeshot in a movie EVER. And… UNDEAD PIRATE MONKEY!!! Need I say more?

It’s got a great curse — not as good as the curse from Ladyhawke, but that ain’t saying anything at all because that’s the Best Curse Ever — it’s got great pirates, it’s got almost seamless jokes for the people who have been on the ride, it’s got the best entrance for a pirate in the history of pirate literature (Long John Silver hisself stood up and shook the ghost of RLS, sayin’, “Why didn’t I have an entrance like that, ya scurvy scum!”), it’s got real tension, real mystery, and — Heavens help us — some honest to God ACTING.

And did I mention UNDEAD PIRATE MONKEY?!?! Good GOD, man. If I need say anything else to convince you to see this film, you’re as dead as Flynn in his grave.

Yes, I liked this film. I don’t know if you will, but I loved the hell out of it.

Oh, yeah. Orlando is cute, too.

I forgot something…

… the best Werewolf pack evaaar.

Ahroun: Three Word Name
(Using a Jesse Ventura voice: “I ain’t got time for a name.”)

Ragabash: Runs With Scissors
(No description necessary)

Theruge: Can’t Get Laid
(He’s the geek wizard D&D player)

Philodox: Don’t Do That
(She’s got guilt problems)

Galliard: Shakes Head Sadly
(And he’s burdoned with telling the tale)