The Tao of Zen Nihilism
She taught me how to revere Bear.
She taught me how to see gingerbread magic.
She reminded me how much I loved robots.
She brought a light into my life that had been missing for so long.
And right now, she would be very proud of me.
I’m on a new home computer, looking at my desktop. There’s a row of 3D icons at the bottom, all lined up. When I touch them, they dance. I’ll have to learn a few new tricks because the old ones I know don’t work anymore.
Yes, Annie, my new home computer is a Mac.
I’ve decided to put together The Circe Awards: an annual event where I talk about my favorite games of the year. I’ll be making a short list and announcing it near December 31st. Unfortunately, all of my books are in storage right now so it’s hard to remember exactly what I loved. Anybody know of a list I can consult?
As many of you know, I was (until recently) an apartment manager in Los Angeles. Well, I skipped that job. Suffice to say I was asked to do many things that I just wasn’t willing to do. I jumped ship, got a job at a temp agency, and am now doing filing work for an accounting firm that handles such distinguished clients as NPR shows All Things Considered and Fresh Aire. I get paid a ton of money and it looks like the agency was fishing for a temp-to-permanent employee. So, if I want the job, I’ll probably get it. And I’ll be making boucoup bucks in the process.
Working at an accounting firm. Ah, men.
This will give me the opportunity to catch up. You see, I took the apartment manager job because it would allow me to save cash. No pay rent, remember? Unfortunately, the anticipated raises never came and I got deeper and deeper into debt. My savings dwindled over the months until eventually I was starting to buy groceries on my credit cards. Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I can’t imagine what my credit looks like now. I’m afraid to look.
But I’m in a slow recovery. Cowboy Ron and his lady are taking good care of me while I recover. I’m looking for a roommate to crash with in the LA area again. Funny… just about a little more than a year ago I was thinking of buying a house. The roller coaster continues.
There are a few financial opportunities on the horizon. One of them involves gaming. The others involve another novel, a screenplay and The Awful Lot.
The New Year has always been a sacred time for me. It’s an opportunity to look back and figure out who the hell I am and who the hell I want to be. Reflection is on its way.
Dirt poor, without a home, still celibate, and slowly re-building my life. That’s me. I wonder who I’ll turn out to be on Jan. 1st.
Most recent Camarilla post put away in my pocket. Something else will replace it soon.
I have been away from any computer and all my stuff has been in storage for almost a week. If your WD order is late, that’s why. I’m fulfilling orders tonight and tomorrow.
Birthday was great. Thanks for everyone who showed up.
Thoughts and feelings on the Cam game are very complicated.
Yet another publisher says, “No Loyal Knight is brilliant, but we won’t publish it. Please send something else instead.”
I need to re-evaluate almost every aspect of my life.
More later.
Here are some photos of us jammin’ along, recording our first (as of yet untitled) demo CD.
And then, when you’re done checking out the pics, go listen to the sounds! Our MySpace has Hateful, Riot in the Miskatonic Morgue, and that ol’ favorite Victimless Crime!
And Sheldon said it best. It’s common practice to get ignored by strangers in the music biz, but getting ignored by your friends is rough. Spread the word!
I. Women
They say every city has its own personality, it’s own character. I’ll go a step further. I’ll say that every city is a woman.
My hometown–St. Paul, MN–she’s like a Minnesota girl. She’s pretty, but not beautiful. She’s not the most sophisticated woman in the world, but she’s got her wits about her. She goes to church every Sunday and she’ll wear something silk and subtle to bed at night, but she doesn’t kiss and tell. There’s nothing dangerous about St. Paul. When she holds you, you feel safe. And yeah, it gets damn cold in Minnesota, but St. Paul, she looks after you. She shields you from that unforgiving cold.
If you needed her, St. Paul would drive through thirty below snow storms to get to you, no questions asked. She’d bring you whatever you needed and stay with you until you could take care of yourself. Not because you’d do the same for her, but because that’s what the true meaning of life is: we’ve got to look out for each other. At least, that’s what she says. And when you hear her say it, you believe her.
Los Angeles, on the other hand, is an entirely different girl. She drunk calls you. She’s on… something. Ain’t entirely sure what. She’s phenomenal in bed. No, better than that. I mean so good that you’ll never look at another woman the same way again. You’ll carry expectations. Of course, she’s hot. I mean hot-hot-hot. And she knows how to show it. And she likes showing it. She likes being on your arm and the fact that you’re showing her off gets her off. And she’s smart. Got a tongue on her that could cut marble. Yeah, I meant that in just about every way you can think.
And if you ever got in trouble? Fuck you, buddy. Because Los Angeles, she doesn’t fuck men who can’t take care of themselves. You show one sign of weakness–just one–and she’s moved on to someone who doesn’t scare or threaten her. That’s the way she is and fuck you if you don’t like it. She’s got the magic gold-plated pussy and you want it so she’s gonna give it to you… as long as you keep her happy.
II. Roy
Roy is singing to me through the computer. Bruce is next on the playlist. “The screen door slams… and Mary’s dress sways.” But right now, it’s Roy and he’s singin’ for the lonely. And that’s me.
Right now, from across the world, through electricity and magnets, I’d like to say that I feel more alone than I ever have. Here in this cold, lonely town–full of people afraid to make any kind of promise–I can feel you so close, divided only by electricity. Alone, so far away, and yet so very close, I send you this, a little message to let you know that you aren’t the only one in the world who feels alone right now.
Roy Orbison is singing in my computer, as these words are sent to you. And as his beautiful voice reminds me that I am not alone, I hope to do the same.
You are not alone. Roy and I are here with you. And in a moment, we’ll have the whole world in front of us, just you, me and a car out back.
“Oh, come and take my hand,
We’re riding out tonight to case the Promised Land…”
III. Never
You’re never alone as you think you are.
We have three songs live over at The Awful Lot MySpace! Go check ’em out!