It was last week.
I was living in the Santa Monica apartment with her. We were talking. She was in the shower and I was on the couch. I was waiting for her to get ready for dinner. She said something I couldn’t hear. I got up, walked into the bathroom, and saw that the shower was only a naked waterhead spraying down dirty water. She was standing on an old mattress I saw off 3rd Street that was being used by a homeless person. As she stood on it, as the water fell, dirty water oozed out of the mattress.
I woke with the feeling of disgust in my mind. Just thinking about her made me feel… dirty.
___
Last night, I had a dream about you.
It was many years ago, the you and I from then.
Almost the entire dream took place in a parking structure. We had just gotten back from a movie or dinner or something, and were talking. The talk was getting close to something. You and I had always been friends, and there was this silent thing between us that we never talk about, but I was tired of it being quiet. I was about to mention it, and suddenly, Tom Waits was there. I stopped to say hello, and when I turned around, you were gone.
I went through the parking structure looking for you, calling out your name, but you wouldn’t answer. You had done this before. Disappeared with no warning. This always happens. Whenever we get close, you disappear.
But I find you, and you have that look on your face, that ashamed look of apology. We go upstairs to your place and lay down together to watch television. This is the best time. The time when we are close and quiet. You hold my hand and rest your head on my shoulder. Our bodies are close and we can feel the warmth from the other.
I fall asleep there, happy with what we have, content not to ask for anything more, because I know if I do, I’ll lose this. And this is what’s important.
I wake up. The dream is over. I haven’t had a dream about us like that in a long time and I wonder where it came from.
And then I remember: it’s because I’ll be seeing you again soon.
___
This is the second revelatory dream I’ve had this week. The first was about someone else. This one was about you. But the result was the same.
I’m not in love with either of you anymore.